The Old Tale of Blood and Milk - Sophia’s Birth Story
Uma Anaia, 18.06.2023
Uma, daughter of the mountain
Anaia, Spiritual Protection and the Answer of God
Uma is a special being that made me fall in love with life all over again—and healed me in more ways than one. I promised myself that I would see her as a unique soul, who is here with me, and not for me, and that I would let her guide me in raising her the way she needs us to, to accomplish herself while shining her inner light, the light she was born with.
The pregnancy was nothing like what I expected when I dreamt of it. I had nausea every single day during the first trimester, got a rough UTI with a fever in the second, and was extremely tired for half of the pregnancy. Yet, I felt a very strong connection to the soul of our baby. She came to me one month before conception (unplanned), and we knew from the start that she was going to be a girl, it was easy to hear her voice inside, and I mostly communicated to her in thought, and not with my voice. We could feel her strong and playful personality. It’s almost as if she was in a hurry to be born at this time, strong-headed and on a mission.
It all started on Thursday morning (15/06). I remember that the last thing I did was prepare and eat IndoMie goreng that I found in an Asian store the day before on our way to the osteopath.
The osteopath prepared my body for birth and brought more mobility into my sacrum and coccyx which have become stiff and posterior because of falls I had as a child. I remember being so in awe of how she could read my body’s history based on the touch of a couple of my bones. She said I still have a week to go for my body to be ready, and that she doesn’t feel the “tension” of a body about the give birth. I knew it was close but I didn’t expect anything to happen soon.
I started to feel different that night. I realized that laying on my side was very uncomfortable and like something had shifted in my body. I got up around 6 am to lay on my back in a supported position on the couch and spent some time on my phone there.
Around 10 am the waves (also known as contractions) started, they were gentle and at that point, I wasn’t sure if they were going to stay and build up or fade away. I let my midwives know and told them that perhaps the next appointment (the following day) won’t happen. They wanted me to have another check-up since I was already past their guess date for the birth (08/06). Although, I knew that our baby would come later and wasn’t worried about going past it. It’s just a guesstimate after all, the baby and the body work on their own timing, which is best to not disturb.
I also knew that it was best to lose track of time altogether, but at that moment, we couldn’t help but time the contractions to give us an idea of where I was. The waves were around 6-7 minutes apart and it gave us hope that we would meet our girl that night.
Little did we know…
I made a fresh batch of the “magic tea” that my midwives told me to start drinking a couple of days before that, in order to bring heat into the body and prepare for labor. The tea consisted of sage, verbena, cinnamon, cloves, and ginger and I also added raspberry leaves. It was very bitter, and I had to dilute it with a lot of water to drink it, which I wasn’t very consistent with.
We had a relaxed day. We went on a walk in the afternoon and sat on the grass in a park. After that, we made a chocolate banana cake for after dinner and started watching Spirited Away, purposefully choosing relaxing and pleasurable activities. We knew how important it was to stimulate the release of oxytocin, the hormone of pleasure, without which the contractions and birth cannot happen. I also remember sitting on the couch, listening to silence and watching my birth altar, reading the affirmations I stuck on the wall, while Fito cleaned the room and prepared dinner.
Fito fell asleep halfway through the movie and I went to the living room to sit on the gym ball and lean over the couch as I listened to my birth playlist. I let Tiana know that she can write in the mama blessing group that I am in labor and that the women can light the pink candle for Anaia. Fito woke up a couple of hours later and helped me by squeezing my hips every contraction while I kept sitting in the same position on the gym ball and breathed. By sunrise, I found myself in the bathtub upstairs, trying to relax a little more and going through the waves. In the water everything slowed down and softened, it felt amazing to float and to be surrounded by warmth. I took with me some candles and the pink candle for Anaia but ended up not lighting it up.
I thought that maybe if I did it would make things happen before I was ready…I didn’t want to be ready. I remember feeling the power of my body, of the waves, and feeling scared of that power, praying. Thinking about the moment she would be emerging and telling myself I was not ready, which probably slowed the process down.
The midwives came to check on me early that morning. They told me I was only 2 cm dilated and that it was prodromal labor, it could go on for days and I should relax, and go on a walk in nature but I didn’t see myself doing that because of how intense and close to each other the contractions were. I needed to vocalize them to feel some kind of relief. At that moment, I felt defeated and like I couldn’t do it. It took me around 24 hours to get to 2cm and I needed at least 8 cm for her to move down. I wasn’t ready to do this for days and days, I wanted more guidance, someone to tell me exactly what to do, where to go, and what position to take. I wanted an external factor to guide me, but all I could do was go within again and be faced with the intensity by myself.
That day (Friday) was long. I didn’t sleep, and didn’t eat much, only some fruit, dates and nuts, and pomegranate juice and I started to feel weak and very tired. Fito tried to prepare something for lunch but I had aversion towards food and the smells of the kitchen in general. He also had to run between the kitchen and the bedroom every 2 to 3 minutes to squeeze my hips while I was sitting on the bed and going through a wave. I remember that it helped me to pour my weight into one side of my hips and push the floor or the wall with my heel to feel relief. The contractions started in the sacrum and moved forward and out but the intensity was mostly felt in the colon, it felt like I need to go the bathroom but I only could poop a little bit in the early morning before the midwives came. And then it just felt like constipation.
One of the midwives came in the afternoon for a check. Anaia was moving a lot and she said that maybe she was trying to break the sack and that it would be good if she did, to speed up the labor. I was 2,5 cm and the mucus plug started to slowly come out with a little bit of blood. I cried when she told me that I was only 2,5 cm open. She told me that it’s normal with a first birth, that I should cry if I want to, and taught me how to breathe through the waves, exhaling out through the mouth. She told me to try to go towards my pain, and not run away from it, that pain is my friend. This made me change my attitude towards the waves but I still couldn’t befriend the pain at that point. I was angry at it, thinking why is it so intense if “nothing” is happening? It’s been two days of pain already and I was losing my patience. She told me that she would come if I gave birth before midnight but past that, I would have another midwife replacing her, which ended up happening.
When the midwife left, I decided to change my attitude towards the waves and stopped using the gym ball, because this was what helped with the intensity the most and I wanted to move forward, by going towards the pain. I trusted that my body would guide me again. So instead I used the wall to push against it with my hips (from the sides on all fours and from the back with my sacrum standing/half squatting, leaning back, and pushing as hard as I could). + tried some all-fours on the yoga mat but it was unbearable. This lasted a couple of hours and I could feel the contractions differently but I know now that it was just another way to avoid the intensity, running away from the discomfort. Time was moving slowly. At some point in the evening, I puked everything I ate during the day, which wasn’t much and it made me laugh because I remembered all the times I puked during the pregnancy and how much worse those times were.
It also made me think that things are progressing, because I remembered other’s birth stories where the mama experienced this before transition. Around that time, I also felt like giving up and mentioned the hospital to Fito. I was ready to get some relief and was thinking about the epidural. This breaking point usually happens in the lowest low, or the most intense moment right before transition which is when the baby starts moving down into the birth ways. Unfortunately, this wasn’t my case.
That night I just wanted to lay down and fall asleep, take a break, and rest. Fito made a bed on the floor next to the doorway of the bathroom (I was using the doorway to push my sacrum against it during the waves), with clean fresh sheets and it felt so good to lay on them until the new wave came and I couldn’t stay in that reclined position. It was way too intense and I needed to vocalize it, I was tensing up and couldn’t relax into the intensity, and I didn’t care about the neighbors or that it was the middle of the night.
But most of all I needed to get up and lean against a wall or go to the bathtub. Fito fell asleep not far from me on a chair and I decided to get in the bath. I reused the same water from the night before and just added more hot water. I didn’t care about lighting the candles this time. I managed to fall asleep for a couple of minutes between the waves, which slowed down every time I went into the water so I knew I would have more room to get some much-needed rest.
During the waves though, I was still very vocal, so much so that Fito woke up and came upstairs to check on me, and for the first time he looked a little worried. He saw how much pain I was in and wanted to help but I just wanted to get some relief so I asked him to bring me the Doliprane my mom gave to me (we usually don’t carry any painkillers with us), I Googled if it was safe and took one dose, got out of the bathtub and tucked myself into bed, trying to sleep, thinking that this would help. Fito fell asleep on the couch near me. I probably had a little placebo moment because I really felt more relaxed for a second but then the intensity came back. I told my midwives all the updates and got checked in the early morning. They told me that no painkillers exist that can help with this pain, only the epidural. But now I think that maybe a little marijuana would have helped. In the end, it’s my inability to soften and relax that made the process of birth last that much longer. It’s the clenching of the jaw, the pressure I was creating in the hips with walls and Fito’s hands, it’s the tracking of time and centimeters…
The Deep Within by Lucy Pierce
I expected to go deeper, to go beyond, to surrender, to see visions, to have an Ayahuasca moment, to have an orgasm at least! Aiiii I was so far from it yet so close. See, birth happens one way or another, it’s not something we “do”, it happens through and beyond us, sooner or later, the body of a woman in a coma knows exactly what to do and gives birth without her consciousness (I am not talking about cesarean here, but a physiological birth). The turning point for us mothers is how we choose to experience the birth, we can meet it with fear and resistance or we can meet it with surrender, softness, and pleasure. I chose the Kali way of things, I wanted control, I wanted to be in my power to guide the process, and didn’t let the process guide me, until the end.
(I learned a great deal though and I have no regrets, the human body can only endure so much, and when you’re exhausted, physically very tired, and depleted of energy because you haven’t slept or eaten, you can only act out of your shadow. We need to be in our resource in order to act from it.)
The other midwife came with the second backup midwife, and I got an enema, which relieved me so much and the contractions started to feel different and more in the front/center rather than in the back/coccyx area. They also slowed down a lot and I could sit down and relax for a bit.
Another cervical check showed that I was at 4 cm. The midwife could feel our baby’s head and said that she had a lot of hair. The head wasn’t positioned as it should and seemed that it was a little sideways, which wasn’t helping the cervix to open with proper pressure. She took out a rebozo scarf and said that we will now try a technique from Mexican midwives. Moving my belly with the scarf while I was on all fours was supposed to help the baby position itself right where it needed it be. (Now I am thinking that maybe she wasn’t right because I lay so much on my back belly up… and didn’t hold my posture). I also did some inversions with my booty up (knees on the couch elbows on a pillow on the floor), which would also help her position better. I also did this exercise where I walked around the apartment raising my knees high and dropping my feed to the floor with each step making a loud thud, which was supposed to bring the baby lower and in the right position.
The midwives sent Fito to sleep and rest a little since they were there to be with me and assist/massage me during the contractions.
After several sleepy contractions, the midwives told me that breaking my waters would make the process move faster but that they could not perform this type of induction at home and that if I wanted to they could transfer me to the hospital and explain everything to the doctors there. Since I haven’t slept in so long maybe I could get an epidural and rest/sleep before moving forward. I understood but needed to think about it since I planned to have a home water birth and I wanted to avoid the hospital as much as possible, it was yet another one of my fears and I didn’t think it would “happen” to me.
They told me to talk with my baby and ask her what she wants to do, if she’s okay with going to the hospital, or if she is going to try and break the waters. So they set up some incense, candles, and an incontinence pad in the shower for me to sit on (which was sooo comfy). I sat in the candle-lit shower and connected with my baby through meditation and breath, she was calm, I was calm, and we both trusted the flow. I came out with the idea that we are totally okay with going to the hospital if that is the way things should be going.
I joined Fito’s nap time and told him that we needed to make a decision soon, and fell asleep next to him, for the first time I could actually rest for a couple of minutes, I think the nap lasted 30 min up to one hour but not longer
When we woke up, we agreed that it was time to go and the midwives helped us pack up a suitcase for the hospital, I wasn’t truly ready for that outcome but I knew that I needed to be firm in my boundaries once I got there. So I took all the documents, including a written (printed) birth plan that stated my wishes for the birth. The midwives took us and the suitcase (in another car) to the hospital, the ride felt strange and long although we were just 20 min away, and the contractions were coming every 5 minutes or so.
We got admitted through the emergency and the midwives left, they monitored my and baby’s heartbeat for 20 min and then plugged a plastic needle into my vein (hand) that I had to keep as long as I was in the hospital “just in case”, that after missing my vein several times, it was very uncomfortable, and I am sure stalled the process. I was still at 4cm. The doctor who saw me also asked for a quick ultrasound that showed that the head of the baby was not positioned right: she was sunny side up! This means that instead of facing towards my back, she was facing the front. The doc (who spoke French) suggested starting the pitocin drip, which I firmly refused, several times, and said I wanted to try without it.
I got lucky with the room they gave me, it had a big bathtub and aromatherapy, a midwife came to ask me which essential oil I wanted to diffuse and someone else brought me cooked veggies (carrots and potatoes) + soup, and a baked apple + biscuits, with a bottle of water. This baked apple felt like heaven after not having a proper meal in so long, although my gums were hurting (perhaps because I hadn’t used them properly, perhaps because of relaxin).
The hospital midwife came with a sheet to do the rebozo scarf method but with more intensity than what had been done at home, and I definitely felt some things shifting, the contractions started to be more prominent + we did the breathing through contractions on the side with the top leg hanging off and on all fours which was so intense! Then, Fito and I chilled in the shower, singing and hugging, trying to produce more oxytocin for the cervix to open.
It felt good to be there, to be in a clean and dark space (we closed the blackout blinds right from the start).
The shift changed and another midwife and doctor were in charge.
The doctor came to introduce herself and talk to me while I was in the shower and Fito called me to come and meet her. She told me who she was, that she read my birth plan, and that she could do everything I wished for, except for 2 things: we cannot keep the placenta attached to the baby, but they can wait 2 hours before cutting the umbilical cord and that in case of an emergency cesarean Fito cannot come with me. I liked her and the fact that she acknowledged my wishes and actually took the time to read through the two pages I wrote and printed, and was honest about what she can and cannot do, instead of lying to me, like a lot of doctors do, + I liked that she spoke English.
The midwife, Ana was very sweet and came to check on me, and got the bathtub ready and filled for me. They put continuous monitoring on me (to monitor my and baby’s heartbeat), which I didn’t like but it was either this or every 20 minutes someone came to monitor us for 20 minutes or so. I could go in the bathtub with the remote monitor and chilled there for around 2 hours, I felt relaxed and like it could happen any minute, I was thinking maybe while we are here alone, she will be born by herself with no one assisting, in the peace of the “aquadural”. Ana came to check on me and told me that I could come out to check my progress. I was 6 cm dilated! The hugs and kisses helped! I was happy but tired and nervous! The doctor came to check on me and to do a quick ultrasound, the baby was still facing up which wasn’t helping the progress. It was past midnight, and she suggested breaking my waters in order to help things move down and hoped that the baby would turn face down or else they could turn her manually (what luck I had that they could do such maneuvers, but now in retrospect also realizing how harmful this could be to the baby). She tried to break my waters with her fingers but failed several times so she ended up using a hook (with my consent). The water felt nice and warm and the contractions started to feel more intense right away. Some meconium was in there (a little greenish color). Still, the doctor wasn’t too worried because the heart rate was fine and that meant more than the little meconium (thank goodness! I knew that meconium usually means that the baby is under a lot of stress and can result in an emergency cesarean).
They brought the “birthing” bed…
Ana, the midwife came and was by my side to guide me, she reminded me how to breathe, when to relax, and how to trust, she told me to try not to push (which has been the urge for me for days already) and to breathe through the waves, breathing out through the mouth and softening, and not tensing up/screaming too much (I now understand why my great grandma midwife told my mom not to scream when going to the hospital for my birth). I think we can get worked up a little too much, and almost dramatize the pain/intensity. But at that point I felt the full potential of what my body could do, the contractions were way longer and more intense and it was scary, almost like jumping off a cliff and realizing where you are: mid-air, trips in a knot.
Ana made me go on one side with the top leg hanging off again, like almost in a twist on the left side and then on all fours and then I refused to do it on my right because it was too much. (I was so tired that somehow I managed to fall asleep between and during these long and intense contractions, it almost felt like the contractions were composed of two parts/times: the first part intense, calling for full presence, and the second part a little less intense where I would doze off, and then rest and silence where I would go deeper into the sleep state). In a couple of waves, I dilated to 8 cm. After that final tabletop I couldn’t help but push, the feeling was so intense and unavoidable. But it was still too early, a part of the cervix was holding the baby’s head back and Ana went in to remove that part from her head with her finger, it felt weird. At that point, I was bearing down on the floor facing the bed.
Ana told me to face the other way and use the bed’s things for the legs to support me from my forearms so that she could see better what was going on. She could feel her hairy head and I could too, it was such a relief to know that I was so close, I smiled and the next contraction brought me back on earth, there was still some work left to do. She asked Fito if he wanted to catch the baby or hold me from the back, and I asked him to hold me (which I now regret, but I guess that at the moment I needed him there).
When the head was getting close, I told Ana that I didn’t want to tear and that I wanted a warm cloth on my perineum, which she quickly got for me, as I kept pushing with each coming wave. She told me not to rush and to breathe, and I knew that, I knew that I needed to breathe the baby out and not push violently but the urge was so strong I couldn’t really help it. It did take me 3 or 4 more pushes for the head to come out (which tore me). Uma made a little noise which was surprising, this made Fito cry, and Ana asked me if I wanted to touch her head, I said “No”, which surprised me (I thought I’d catch my baby, and bring her on my chest by myself), but I was someone and somewhere else in that moment, so disconnected and overwhelmed, yet very present.
Another push or two and the body was out and there she was on my chest, warm, slippery, and bloody, calm at first and then crying, her eyes all puffy and thus closed. It felt so strange, she felt sooo big! And the first thing I told her “You are so chubby!”.
I was so tired but still worried about the placenta and the stitching process, there were too many people in the room suddenly. My legs were shaking so much from the adrenaline and I felt so cold, Fito put some wool socks on my feet.
The placenta, or “the first mother” came some 10-15 minutes later with a little push, I was already on my back with my legs spread out on the support things, and birthing the placenta didn’t really feel like anything, it was fast and there was too much agitation around me. I got to touch it and the doctor showed me which side was mine and which one was Uma’s.
A nurse tried to inject me with an anti-hemorrhage in the glute, I asked her “What is it? Is this mandatory?”, she said “No”, and I firmly refused. I felt like I had to stand in my power and be super aware of what was going on. She later asked me if I wanted anesthesia for stitching to which I obviously said “Yes”.
The doctor came in to congratulate me and do the stitching which felt weird, uncomfortable and scary, more than painful.
Meanwhile, Uma latched onto the right boob and after onto the left (I think after Fito cut the cord, 2 hours later). It was so special to see the sunrise and to sleep with her. We were both happy and tired.
We stayed at the hospital for three days, figuring out the transportation back home to the rented apartment, and waiting for Uma to pass the auditory and genetic disease tests, which are mandatory in Italy. Walking for the first time was weird and I lost my sense of center and coordination/proprioception. Peeing was scary (thankfully, I had the portable bidet) pooping on the fourth day was also scary but I did it while blowing raspberries and it was fine.
Postpartum felt sore, yet blissful. We spent our time just the three of us in a magical bubble for 10 days, until my mom and brother arrived. I mostly laid in bed and got to know our little girl little by little, getting emotional while looking at her looking at me several days after the birth, slowly crawling into the skin of a mother.
We encapsulated part of the placenta, did a mother tincture with another part, and buried in ceremony the remaining part (which was the biggest) in the forest with my mom and little brother present as well. It was special to honor Uma’s first mother in this way, staying in a continuous relationship with it. It says that wherever the placenta is planted/released, it will be a place of power and resource for that child, and I hope that the little Dolomites of Italy, and the mountains and forests in general will be Uma’s places of power, as well as the Pacific Ocean, where we released a tiny part of her first mother.
I have reflected on our birth every single day for months, thinking about how things could have gone differently, how I wish we caught our baby, and even perhaps let her be born in her sack, en caul, how being in the hospital wasn’t a necessity, realizing that the number of people in the birth room was overwhelming and that I even disassociated perhaps, in order to speed up the process, and maybe out of exhaustion too. This story would have been a different one if we had a home water birth and a lotus birth for the placenta, as initially planned, but things happen for a reason. Uma led us to Italy, and then to the hospital, where we met our amazing midwife Ana. I thought it was luck that the hospital shift we got was so kind, and respectful, but now I see it as something that was written and meant to be all along.
I believe I started breaking cycles present in my life, and generationally, with this birth, starting from the blessing way I had with the closest women to me. I see pregnancy and birth as initiations into a new life era, a new life season, and the way we go through this transition, not only sets the tone for the next phase but for other life transitions and seasons…My earlier initiations into womanhood haven’t been celebrated nor my power claimed, I have never spoken my desires so clearly and stood for myself so firmly.
TO BREAKING MORE CYCLES, AND RAISING A GENERATION OF PEACEFUL WARRIORS.
